Tired....

I'm getting tired. It's nearing the end of the school year, and my first thought upon waking this morning was, "Thank God it's Saturday!" Our goals for the academic year are almost met. Only 4 days in math, 1 chapter of science, 1 in history, 3 spelling units, and that's about it. We'll finish every book we are doing, with the exception of Spelling and Grammar. Both of those subjects are intended to last through next year, so technically I can say we're just working ahead in them.

I haven't been doing much for 1st grade this whole past month. My only goals for her are to finish her current phonics level, (ETC 2), complete our Habit unit in her MBTP concept, practice math facts, and read more.

I'm tired of school. I want to begin all the new books, but we need a break first.

I'm tired of worrying about my step-daughter. At our request, she has been in foster care the past 6 weeks, which is a step up from jail the previous 5 months. After 3 years of daily therapy, counseling, medication, psychiatric hospitals, juvenile detention, and her violence, arson, and other extreme mental health disorders,it was the only thing her counselors and the court could figure out to get her help.Because of DCFS being involved we feel like we're bad parents. They talk to us for an hour, and write 40 page reports on our entire lives as if they really know us. Because B (15 now) is LOVING all this attention she is refusing to come home, visit, or even speak to us. She now wants to go back to the biological mother who terminated her parental rights, and contributed greatly to the way B is now. My husband and I are tired of it all. DCFS feels he needs to attend mandatory counseling to gain "empathy" for B. I guess no one needs to empathize with the danger and fear we live in while she is here. I guess no one empathizes with the hours of time my husband has spent dragging her around the state to different doctors, hospitals, couseling centers, etc....all while missing work, supper, time with his other 3 kids, and in many cases, sleep. No one empathizes with a 3 year getting hit, or a 17 year old (30 pounds smaller than B) getting held down on the floor, choked, punched, and being told she was going to be killed, because B got caught stealing. No one empathizes with my upstairs being literally DESTROYED....carpet set on fire, every piece of furniture broken beyond repair, windows, door frames, walls, and ceiling panels ruined. No one cares.

We're all just tired. We haven't missed B a bit the past 6 months. We know going back to her mother will only harm her, yet...we give up. For the best of 5 people in the house, we will sacrifice one. Again. The only thought I gave her on Christmas and her birthday was, "What a blessing I don't have to waste money buying nice things that always are torn up or broken within 4 or 5 days of being given to her." The only regret I have is asking for help from an agency that now feels my husband must be a horrible person for B to not want to even speak to us. Of course she doesn't. We actually have rules, and are consistent, and we care about every child doing their best. We don't fall for theatrics and violence and threats and lying. In our opinion, the child support we will have to pay to a woman who shouldn't even have the right to speak to this child will be more than worth the peace and happiness we've all had this year.

Congratulations, B. You got your way again. Don't call us crying like you did when we let you live with her before. For one, we won't believe you after the lies you told about your dad. For two, we're not into playing games. And for three...if you call us I will likely call the phone company and have our number changed, since I can't afford to move. When I was 15 I worked, excelled in school, and helped support my mom and dad. You are plenty old enough to know right from wrong, and your behavior is chosen and puposeful. It's all a big mind game to you, but guess what? You lose. I hope you think from time to time what a happy family we are, and all the fun we had. (when we weren't leaving restaurants due to your temper tantrums, or having people in Wal-Mart laugh at us upon hearing you and saying, "Look...THAT's what happens when parents don't spank their chidlren.")

And on top of all this I'm tired of my husband being laid off "temporarily" for almost 5 months now. As much as we enjoy each other, and as fun as it is to have him home all day...it's nice to have money to pay bills, food, and other neccessities, too. And, admittedly, it would be nice to have a TV free day once in a while, too.

I'm ready for a school break. I'm ready for hubby to go back to work. And I'm ready to stop taking away from our other children. They don't deserve being treated the way their own sister treated them. They don't deserve going hungry because you ate ALL the food in the house, and pay day is a week away. They don't deserve having to be sent to their room to keep them safe or for us to spend 6, 10, and in 2 instances, 14 hours straight, with crisis workers called to our home to deal with a child WE couldn't deal with. They shouldn't have to see you punch our dog, or kick our sweet cat across an entire room. My 6 and 10 year old should NOT recognize police officers by first name because of all the times they've been called to our house, and they should not look upon Norma (dear as she is) as a surrogate grandmother. She's not. She's a crisis intervention worker, who feels exactly the same about B as we do. A 6 and 10 year old should not know their way around the high school from all the time we've been called there because the schools couldn't deal with B either.

My apologies for any typos. I'm also tired of writing. : )