I don't make resolutions for New Years'. Never have. It's always just another date on the calendar to me. The only noteworthy thing about the years changing is that for the next 6 months I write the wrong year on my checks. As a teen it meant major spending money earned from babysitting, for a few years it meant drinking and partying with my friends. For the next dozen years after I began raising children it meant nothing, other than going to bed early enough to get up and keep the routine of housewife and mother like any other day. One year (10 years ago tonight) it almost meant the end of my life.
This year, all the cliches about New Year's Eve are seeming to actually have meaning to me. Out with the old, in with the new. New begininnings. What a year 2009 has been! I'm not making any resolutions, but I'll share some of my realizations.
I can't recall any year in my past that has had more major changes than 2009. Beginning in March, I realized my husband suffered more than an alcohol abuse problem, and that there would be no saving this marriage. From March on, my ONLY priority became protecting my daughters. There are limits even to MY loyalty. I never thought I would ever seek a divorce, but then again, I never thought I would discover the things I did on March 4th, 2009. I thank God for showing me what I needed to do.
In May, 2009 April got married. I have realized from this event, that I did pretty darn well as a mother/step-mother. Although young, she and Lance are far surpassing everyone's expectations, and are thriving. April has shown SO MUCH maturity, and responsibility, and I thank God I was given the challenge of raising her as my daughter.
July 2009 brought loss of a friend. Kristi died far too young, and suffered far too much. I feel tremendous guilt for not seeing what I should have seen, and not helping and stepping in when I should have. I wasn't there, as I should have been, but Kristi's death, above any other event this year changed me so much. It brought back to me what I used to know so well, that we are only here for a brief time, that we never know when we, or someone we care about will be gone, and that this time we are given should not be wasted. Through Kristi's death I gained the courage and strength to do what I needed to do in my own life for my own children. Through her death, I have also come to know her father. So, I thank God, not only for reminding me of the impermanance of life, but also for blessing me with an amazing new friendship.
October-December 2009 brought the actual breakdown of a marriage that has been breaking down for years. This was not the emotional breakdown; that happened gradually, and years ago. This was the actual physical act of D and I seperating, convincing him I meant it, staying strong for what I knew had to be, and filing for divorce. Of course, it involves much more than that, it is realizing I am now a single mother, I, alone, am responsible for raising and providing for 2 young girls, simple things like I can go to bed when I want to, I can set a schedule more convenient to the 3 of us left in this house, I can eat what I want. I save tons of money on food and groceries, and my water and heat bills have been the lowest they have ever been in 12 years, and yet I have no income, so I must decide major things like a job and if I will be able to continue homeschooling.I am thankful, though, for the strength God has given me to persevere, for the wisdom to make the right decisions, for leading me with clear signs of the path I should take, MUST take. I thank God for blessing me beyond measure with friends and neighbors who care, for returning to me my strength, my brains, and my happiness, and for always providing for us.
2009 has been a year of more changes than most. As Newton's law states: "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction", and that has proven true this year. For every loss, every negative, there has been a gain, and a positive. After the year I've had, I am looking foward to putting an end to 2009, and beginning anew with a fresh page on a fresh calendar. I welcome 2010 as a new start, and I wish you all a blessed New Year.
No comments:
Post a Comment