I don't make resolutions for New Years'. Never have. It's always just another date on the calendar to me. The only noteworthy thing about the years changing is that for the next 6 months I write the wrong year on my checks. As a teen it meant major spending money earned from babysitting, for a few years it meant drinking and partying with my friends. For the next dozen years after I began raising children it meant nothing, other than going to bed early enough to get up and keep the routine of housewife and mother like any other day. One year (10 years ago tonight) it almost meant the end of my life.
This year, all the cliches about New Year's Eve are seeming to actually have meaning to me. Out with the old, in with the new. New begininnings. What a year 2009 has been! I'm not making any resolutions, but I'll share some of my realizations.
I can't recall any year in my past that has had more major changes than 2009. Beginning in March, I realized my husband suffered more than an alcohol abuse problem, and that there would be no saving this marriage. From March on, my ONLY priority became protecting my daughters. There are limits even to MY loyalty. I never thought I would ever seek a divorce, but then again, I never thought I would discover the things I did on March 4th, 2009. I thank God for showing me what I needed to do.
In May, 2009 April got married. I have realized from this event, that I did pretty darn well as a mother/step-mother. Although young, she and Lance are far surpassing everyone's expectations, and are thriving. April has shown SO MUCH maturity, and responsibility, and I thank God I was given the challenge of raising her as my daughter.
July 2009 brought loss of a friend. Kristi died far too young, and suffered far too much. I feel tremendous guilt for not seeing what I should have seen, and not helping and stepping in when I should have. I wasn't there, as I should have been, but Kristi's death, above any other event this year changed me so much. It brought back to me what I used to know so well, that we are only here for a brief time, that we never know when we, or someone we care about will be gone, and that this time we are given should not be wasted. Through Kristi's death I gained the courage and strength to do what I needed to do in my own life for my own children. Through her death, I have also come to know her father. So, I thank God, not only for reminding me of the impermanance of life, but also for blessing me with an amazing new friendship.
October-December 2009 brought the actual breakdown of a marriage that has been breaking down for years. This was not the emotional breakdown; that happened gradually, and years ago. This was the actual physical act of D and I seperating, convincing him I meant it, staying strong for what I knew had to be, and filing for divorce. Of course, it involves much more than that, it is realizing I am now a single mother, I, alone, am responsible for raising and providing for 2 young girls, simple things like I can go to bed when I want to, I can set a schedule more convenient to the 3 of us left in this house, I can eat what I want. I save tons of money on food and groceries, and my water and heat bills have been the lowest they have ever been in 12 years, and yet I have no income, so I must decide major things like a job and if I will be able to continue homeschooling.I am thankful, though, for the strength God has given me to persevere, for the wisdom to make the right decisions, for leading me with clear signs of the path I should take, MUST take. I thank God for blessing me beyond measure with friends and neighbors who care, for returning to me my strength, my brains, and my happiness, and for always providing for us.
2009 has been a year of more changes than most. As Newton's law states: "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction", and that has proven true this year. For every loss, every negative, there has been a gain, and a positive. After the year I've had, I am looking foward to putting an end to 2009, and beginning anew with a fresh page on a fresh calendar. I welcome 2010 as a new start, and I wish you all a blessed New Year.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Christmas, In Memory of my Mother
Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I love the decorations, the music, getting gifts for people, the positive spirit it induces in most people...all of it. I've had a couple of not-so-good Christmases in my life, but the reason for the season, and the spirit of the holiday always lifts me up. When I was a child I think I loved the music more than anything. I LOVED to sing Christmas carols and hymns. I knew all the words to all the songs by the time I was 3 or 4, and I STILL love the music. On any random day at my house you can walk in and catch me singing Christmas carols, or playing them on the piano, and it doesn't have to be December. When I was a teenager I used to start decorating my room in August, and buying gifts for everyone I knew. My mother was very musically talented, and performed many Christmas programs...you name it, if it involved singing and a keyboard, she was more than happy to share her talents with anyone who would listen at Christmas time.
In 1998 my mother passed away on Christmas. She was my best friend. She had lived 19 months with ovarian cancer, after being told she had 3 weeks at the most. The last time she was able to talk was on December 23rd, and she called me specifically to say good-bye, and tell me how much she loved me. She was VERY worried that she would die on Christmas Day, and therefore "ruin" all future Christmases for her loved ones. Depending what time zone we were in she died either the 25th or the 26th of December. In her time zone she made until 12:56 am on Dec. 26th. In MY time zone she died at 4 minutes before midnight, Christmas Day. She tried to hold out so the date wouldn't be, as she termed it, ruined for us. A further example of Mom alwayas thinking of others besides herself was that she had a cake for me on my birthday, which is a few days after Christmas. She knew she wouldn't last THAT long, and had told my step-dad to "make sure you don't forget her birthday with all that will be going on when I die. Make sure she has a cake." Little did she know her funeral would be on my birthday, and I'm sure she would have been upset, had she thought about it....probably would have held on to life a few more days, just so THAT wouldn't be in my mind every birthday I've had since.
However, losing my mom and best friend, hasn't ruined Christmas or my birthday at all. I never remember her sadly at this time of year. I don't think too much of the one year at the end of her life. I can't think of Christmas without thinking of the 26 other years I had with her. I hear her voice singing. I remember she and I always decorating our house to the hilt. I remember baking cookies with her. I remember the big, red bow she tied on her studio door, with a sign saying, "Do Not Open 'Till Christmas", and I always opened that door and spied through the presents hidden in there anyway. I remember caroling with her and others, I remember buying presents for people we'd never met before because she had heard of a family in need. I remember every year she and I would hand-make intricate, delicate egg-shell ornaments, spending hours together, seeing who could make the prettiest one of that particular year. I remember, from the time I was a very young girl, she and I were ALWAYS the "present wrappers" for the entire family. I remember her huge list of over 400 people I helped her mail out cards and personal letters to every year. Even in 1998, when she was too sick to write she made sure I completed the entire list for her.
This year, is a year of huge change. This year is probably the oddest Christmas I've ever had. I have not put up one single decoration, not even a tree. I have not sent out one, single card. I have not even bought my presents yet. I have some, that I bought, but not nearly like I usually do, and intend to at least get more bought later today. I have not made Christmas cookies, although I hope to get at least one kind made today. The few present I DO have didn't get wrapped until yesterday.
I haven't been setting very good Christmas memories this year for my daughters. I hope, though, that like my Christmas in 1998, this one won't be one they remember negatively. My girls have had wonderful Christmases in the past, and I pray my daughters and I have many more in the future. I have been feeling pretty badly about not doing things like usual this year, but I have come to realize that "different" deosn't mean it won't be "special" in it's own way.
I pray you ALL have a blessed Christmas.
In 1998 my mother passed away on Christmas. She was my best friend. She had lived 19 months with ovarian cancer, after being told she had 3 weeks at the most. The last time she was able to talk was on December 23rd, and she called me specifically to say good-bye, and tell me how much she loved me. She was VERY worried that she would die on Christmas Day, and therefore "ruin" all future Christmases for her loved ones. Depending what time zone we were in she died either the 25th or the 26th of December. In her time zone she made until 12:56 am on Dec. 26th. In MY time zone she died at 4 minutes before midnight, Christmas Day. She tried to hold out so the date wouldn't be, as she termed it, ruined for us. A further example of Mom alwayas thinking of others besides herself was that she had a cake for me on my birthday, which is a few days after Christmas. She knew she wouldn't last THAT long, and had told my step-dad to "make sure you don't forget her birthday with all that will be going on when I die. Make sure she has a cake." Little did she know her funeral would be on my birthday, and I'm sure she would have been upset, had she thought about it....probably would have held on to life a few more days, just so THAT wouldn't be in my mind every birthday I've had since.
However, losing my mom and best friend, hasn't ruined Christmas or my birthday at all. I never remember her sadly at this time of year. I don't think too much of the one year at the end of her life. I can't think of Christmas without thinking of the 26 other years I had with her. I hear her voice singing. I remember she and I always decorating our house to the hilt. I remember baking cookies with her. I remember the big, red bow she tied on her studio door, with a sign saying, "Do Not Open 'Till Christmas", and I always opened that door and spied through the presents hidden in there anyway. I remember caroling with her and others, I remember buying presents for people we'd never met before because she had heard of a family in need. I remember every year she and I would hand-make intricate, delicate egg-shell ornaments, spending hours together, seeing who could make the prettiest one of that particular year. I remember, from the time I was a very young girl, she and I were ALWAYS the "present wrappers" for the entire family. I remember her huge list of over 400 people I helped her mail out cards and personal letters to every year. Even in 1998, when she was too sick to write she made sure I completed the entire list for her.
This year, is a year of huge change. This year is probably the oddest Christmas I've ever had. I have not put up one single decoration, not even a tree. I have not sent out one, single card. I have not even bought my presents yet. I have some, that I bought, but not nearly like I usually do, and intend to at least get more bought later today. I have not made Christmas cookies, although I hope to get at least one kind made today. The few present I DO have didn't get wrapped until yesterday.
I haven't been setting very good Christmas memories this year for my daughters. I hope, though, that like my Christmas in 1998, this one won't be one they remember negatively. My girls have had wonderful Christmases in the past, and I pray my daughters and I have many more in the future. I have been feeling pretty badly about not doing things like usual this year, but I have come to realize that "different" deosn't mean it won't be "special" in it's own way.
I pray you ALL have a blessed Christmas.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Finally Able to do an Update (very long post)
Wow. I just realized I have not done an update for over 2 months. I suppose, as tomorrow is our last day of school until after the new year, I should. First, though, Let me explain WHY I have not been posting. D and I are in the process of getting a divorce. We officially seperated Oct. 23, and he moved out of our home Nov 13. For a few of you that read this blog, this was not a surprise, as you have known D and I the entire length of our marriage. For those of you that I've met through the homeschooling community, I imagine this is quite a shock, as I keep my private life just that...PRIVATE, and this is the first time I have brought it up. I will not go into the reasons on a public blog, but this is for the best. D and I just have too many problems that could not ever be resolved. He and I both are in agreeance that we would like me to be able to continue homeschooling the girls, therefore I am trying to make plans to find an at-home job that will allow me to keep the girls here at home, and yet earn some income to survive. D is NOT contributing at this time in any way financiallly. Thankfully, the Lord has been providing, and we are making it.
Now for the update on school-related topics.
C, in 5th grade, is doing WONDERFULLY. She has completed Saxon 65 math through lesson 93, earning A's in all her tests and assignments, She will be finished with the book within 3 months. We are wrapping up Unit 8 in BJU English tomorrow, which is exactly half-way. I STILL can not say enough good things about this english program, as she is finally getting straight A's in English, too, and has actually written several good pieces this year, in addition to cementing her grammar skills, and learning to diagram sentences. She's even written some poetry, and is currently working on a play for her sister, and their friend to perform. C has also finished book 3 out of 5 in her Bible for this year, and is loving this subject. She is on unit 24 (out of 36)in Spelling. All this adds up to my daughter will be done with her 5th grade work within 3 more months.
E is doing wonderfully with her first grade material. There was quite a long period that we did not do any formal schooling....for almost 4 weeks. E is so active and high strung, and I was feeling unable to cope well with all that is going on in my life that we took an extended break. It's easy to do this, when we school year-round, and she is still ahead for her year. When we finally got back to school for her I was afraid she would have forgotten everything. To the contrary...the break was the best thing I've ever done for her! Not only did she remember everything, she has been doing a far better job in her schoolwork than before. Instead of math boring her, she whizzes thorugh her math facts, and is into adding 3 numbers at a time, and double-digit addition. Instead of whining about having to write a few words, she is now writing several sentences per day, and up to doing 2 pages a day in English, as opposed to 1/2 or 1 page a few months ago. Her had-writing has improved TREMENDOUSLY, and she is reading fairly fluently, although her spelling is still more phonetic, than correct on many words. She has only 6 lessons left in Bible, and will be done with the entire first grade Bible curriculum. As I've mentioned before, E does school on no set schedue, other than when she asks to, so I anticipate accomplishing a lot with her over the Christmas "break". As long as she keeps progressing well, and enjoying her work, I see no reason to change what we've done and has worked for 2 years now.
Both girls have still been doing science together. I had hoped to have finished Zoology 1 by Christmas, but science was laid by the way-side for awhile, while I was feeling overwhelmed just trying to get the basics, reading, writing, and 'rithmatic done, so we are only half way through the book. Science, is one subject we will probably continue with through our "break", also, as both girls ask for it frequently, and usually during the hour or so before bedtime, which actually works out very well.
C and E have both also been working in their map skills/geography books, but we have not done any FORMAL history since September. We have done quite a bit of INformal history through reading "living" books, documentaries on TV (C just loves the show, "Cities of the Underworld" on the History Channel), and looking up places and events online.
My hopes are to be able to still somehow afford Sonlight's Core 5, Eastern Hemisphere for her upcoming school year, along with SL's core 5 science. Both are reportedly THE BEST in Sonlight's line-up, and cover very extensively areas of study I feel imperative for her to learn. However, you get what you pay for, and for these 2 programs alone, the cost will be a little over $800. Add in her English and Math, and I will need to come up with $1000 for her full 6th grade year. That is my dream for her next year, but time and finances will tell the reality. Paying for a divorce from a father that does not contribute, trying to find some work that will still allow me to be home, and still keep up with normal bills and groceries, does not leave me with money for the EXCELLENT programs I've had planned for over a year now.
Thankfully, E's 2nd grade curriculum won't be nearly as expensive. No Sonlight for her, and although I have not researched enough on all her subjects, I am tentatively planning to at least use R&S English for her 2nd grade year, which is thorough, rigorous, and yet, very inexpensive. I will not decide on her math until she is closer to finishing her first grade book, and as she is such a whiz in math, it is a difficult choice among all the many good math programs out there. All I know for certain regarding math for E is that it is time to move away from Abeka, and she is too young to start Saxon; I won't begin her in Saxon until 4th grade. She does not need repetition, as she grasps concepts very quickly, although a small amount of review would be good for her. I have not even had the inclination this year to even look ahead for her other subjects.
Another quick thing to update on, we were able to have a week-long visit with April and Lance the first week of December. Lance's father suffered 2 heart attacks, and underwent cardiac surgery. Lance obtained emergency leave, and he and April stayed here at out house. Although they spent much of their time at the hospital and with his father, we were still able to see a lot of each other, and had a nice visit. They even worked in a special afternoon with just C and E, going out to lunch and bowling, which meant a lot to the 2 little sisters, who have missed them greatly. I am impressed with how mature April has become in just 6 months of being a married young woman. (Although her housekeeping skills need work!!!! LOL) We are so thankful Lance's dad is recovering well, and even though the reason for the visit was scary, we are thankful for April and Lance making it safely here and back home, and for the nice times we had.
One last thing I'd like to mention, a HUGE thank you to two of my friends. Denise, thank you for being tolerant of my going days/weeks without e-mailing, you, only to barrage you with my problems and moods. Thank you for listening to me, and being there for me, and for your many kind invitations. You are awesome! And M...I can't begin to list the things I have to thank YOU for. You are one super-special friend to all 3 of us.
My apologies for such a long post, but there's been a ton of changes in my life the past few months, and I haven't felt like writing until now. Wishing everyone who read this far a great Christmas and New Year.
Now for the update on school-related topics.
C, in 5th grade, is doing WONDERFULLY. She has completed Saxon 65 math through lesson 93, earning A's in all her tests and assignments, She will be finished with the book within 3 months. We are wrapping up Unit 8 in BJU English tomorrow, which is exactly half-way. I STILL can not say enough good things about this english program, as she is finally getting straight A's in English, too, and has actually written several good pieces this year, in addition to cementing her grammar skills, and learning to diagram sentences. She's even written some poetry, and is currently working on a play for her sister, and their friend to perform. C has also finished book 3 out of 5 in her Bible for this year, and is loving this subject. She is on unit 24 (out of 36)in Spelling. All this adds up to my daughter will be done with her 5th grade work within 3 more months.
E is doing wonderfully with her first grade material. There was quite a long period that we did not do any formal schooling....for almost 4 weeks. E is so active and high strung, and I was feeling unable to cope well with all that is going on in my life that we took an extended break. It's easy to do this, when we school year-round, and she is still ahead for her year. When we finally got back to school for her I was afraid she would have forgotten everything. To the contrary...the break was the best thing I've ever done for her! Not only did she remember everything, she has been doing a far better job in her schoolwork than before. Instead of math boring her, she whizzes thorugh her math facts, and is into adding 3 numbers at a time, and double-digit addition. Instead of whining about having to write a few words, she is now writing several sentences per day, and up to doing 2 pages a day in English, as opposed to 1/2 or 1 page a few months ago. Her had-writing has improved TREMENDOUSLY, and she is reading fairly fluently, although her spelling is still more phonetic, than correct on many words. She has only 6 lessons left in Bible, and will be done with the entire first grade Bible curriculum. As I've mentioned before, E does school on no set schedue, other than when she asks to, so I anticipate accomplishing a lot with her over the Christmas "break". As long as she keeps progressing well, and enjoying her work, I see no reason to change what we've done and has worked for 2 years now.
Both girls have still been doing science together. I had hoped to have finished Zoology 1 by Christmas, but science was laid by the way-side for awhile, while I was feeling overwhelmed just trying to get the basics, reading, writing, and 'rithmatic done, so we are only half way through the book. Science, is one subject we will probably continue with through our "break", also, as both girls ask for it frequently, and usually during the hour or so before bedtime, which actually works out very well.
C and E have both also been working in their map skills/geography books, but we have not done any FORMAL history since September. We have done quite a bit of INformal history through reading "living" books, documentaries on TV (C just loves the show, "Cities of the Underworld" on the History Channel), and looking up places and events online.
My hopes are to be able to still somehow afford Sonlight's Core 5, Eastern Hemisphere for her upcoming school year, along with SL's core 5 science. Both are reportedly THE BEST in Sonlight's line-up, and cover very extensively areas of study I feel imperative for her to learn. However, you get what you pay for, and for these 2 programs alone, the cost will be a little over $800. Add in her English and Math, and I will need to come up with $1000 for her full 6th grade year. That is my dream for her next year, but time and finances will tell the reality. Paying for a divorce from a father that does not contribute, trying to find some work that will still allow me to be home, and still keep up with normal bills and groceries, does not leave me with money for the EXCELLENT programs I've had planned for over a year now.
Thankfully, E's 2nd grade curriculum won't be nearly as expensive. No Sonlight for her, and although I have not researched enough on all her subjects, I am tentatively planning to at least use R&S English for her 2nd grade year, which is thorough, rigorous, and yet, very inexpensive. I will not decide on her math until she is closer to finishing her first grade book, and as she is such a whiz in math, it is a difficult choice among all the many good math programs out there. All I know for certain regarding math for E is that it is time to move away from Abeka, and she is too young to start Saxon; I won't begin her in Saxon until 4th grade. She does not need repetition, as she grasps concepts very quickly, although a small amount of review would be good for her. I have not even had the inclination this year to even look ahead for her other subjects.
Another quick thing to update on, we were able to have a week-long visit with April and Lance the first week of December. Lance's father suffered 2 heart attacks, and underwent cardiac surgery. Lance obtained emergency leave, and he and April stayed here at out house. Although they spent much of their time at the hospital and with his father, we were still able to see a lot of each other, and had a nice visit. They even worked in a special afternoon with just C and E, going out to lunch and bowling, which meant a lot to the 2 little sisters, who have missed them greatly. I am impressed with how mature April has become in just 6 months of being a married young woman. (Although her housekeeping skills need work!!!! LOL) We are so thankful Lance's dad is recovering well, and even though the reason for the visit was scary, we are thankful for April and Lance making it safely here and back home, and for the nice times we had.
One last thing I'd like to mention, a HUGE thank you to two of my friends. Denise, thank you for being tolerant of my going days/weeks without e-mailing, you, only to barrage you with my problems and moods. Thank you for listening to me, and being there for me, and for your many kind invitations. You are awesome! And M...I can't begin to list the things I have to thank YOU for. You are one super-special friend to all 3 of us.
My apologies for such a long post, but there's been a ton of changes in my life the past few months, and I haven't felt like writing until now. Wishing everyone who read this far a great Christmas and New Year.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
What's New With Our Kittens?
Abby, Ashley, and Little Spot are now almost 4 months old. Abby has discovered the joy of paper towels. Please note the shredded kitchen stool on the left... 
And here is the boy kitten, Little Spot, and a new game he and C like to play:
And here is the boy kitten, Little Spot, and a new game he and C like to play:
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